Words are wonderful aphrodisiacs! Words can stimulate the pleasure centers in the mind, help you become more relaxed and receptive to touch, ignite the erotic imagination and lift you to heights of unbridled passion.
With words, you can melt the barriers that may be keeping you and your lover from experiencing the profound joy sex can offer. If you would like to express your sensual feelings verbally, but feel shy and awkward about doing so, you are far from alone.
Perhaps you're thinking that you're not a very imaginative person and would have a hard time coming up with the right words. Don't worry. Erotic talk is a skill that can be learned..
Many people think erotic talk is synonymous with talking dirty. Well-timed explicit sexual talk can intensify an already exciting encounter. It can add an earthy, lusty element to lovemaking and convey to your partner the intensity of your passion. But there is also a softer, subtler form of erotic talk that you can use in those moments when the quality of your desire is more delicate or playful or tender.
When you start to notice the variety of moods that interplay with your physical desire, emotions that may yearn for verbal expression, you will begin to understand why "talking dirty' is such a limited concept when applied to erotic talk.
Try a little experiment: Close your eyes for a moment and imagine that your beloved, or someone to whom you're very attracted, is calling out your name. First imagine that there is an undertone of "You're very precious to me" in his or her voice. Notice how the uttering of your name in this context makes you feel. Perhaps a warm glow begins to surround the area around your heart.
Or maybe you feel a tingle of excitement running up the back of your neck. Now, imagine that the message your lover is conveying with the repeated calling of your name is "I want you now."
What feelings are being generated in your body? Is there a rush of energy to your lower torso, or a shudder of delight coursing through your entire being? Enjoy the sensations.
Next, picture yourself at a party in deep conversation with someone to whom you're very attracted. Suddenly this fascinating person says to you, "You know, I love the way you're looking at me right now."
Or maybe you're just kissing good night after a first date and you hear, "Mmmm, your lips taste so good to me." Again, notice the sensations such words generate in your body and enjoy them.
Sensual communication can begin as early as your initial encounter with a prospective lover. There are many subtle, discreet and creative ways to use words to pique the sexual interest of someone to whom you're attracted.
Notice what you find particularly inviting about the person to whom you're drawn, and let him know. If you do express your appreciation of a physical attribute, it helps if you can personalize it. People who are blessed with exceptional physical attractiveness sometimes become bored or frustrated with all the fuss made over their physical appearance.
So, instead of saying, "That's a pretty dress," try "I love the way you look in that dress." And instead of "You've got gorgeous eyes," try "I find your eyes absolutely gorgeous."
These approaches may be considered forms of flirting, which is simply the art of appreciating another's attractiveness without being offensive or coercive. Though much flirting is done through the eyes or body language, words and the way you use them can be great assets. One of the most effective ways to flirt is by asking a provocative question with a hidden or implied message.
Consider Peg, who recently met a man at a business meeting. After he told her that he taught communication skills to personnel managers, she asked him, with a playful tone in her voice, "Oh, do you do any personal training?" He smiled, handed her his business card, and replied, "Not often, but for you I'd make an exception.
Peg's implied message was, "I'd like to get to know you better," but she didn't want to put him on the spot in case he was unavailable or uninterested. So this form of flirting allowed her to make her desires known while still giving him an easy out. If he was not interested, he could have said something like "Oh, I'm sorry, I keep it strictly professional."
A few tips will help with flirting. Avoid clich6s. "Do you come here often?" and "What's your sign?" have been overused. Instead, notice something about the person you are attracted to that is genuinely appealing, then ask a question about it with a suggestive or humorous twist. "Are you always this funny, or am I inspiring you?"
Use erotic subtext, an emotion or attitude that goes beyond the actual words spoken. You can say "This chocolate cake is so delicious; would you like a bite?" The tone and inflection of your voice, plus facial expressions and body language can make this a sexy way of letting your partner know that you I re interested.
Flirting is a fine art, but, like any art, your first efforts may not produce the result you were seeking. Then again, your embarrassed smile may be just what captivates your prospective lover.
Use Your Voice
Your voice offers another way to attract erotic attention. Speak softly! While this may seem like an expression of the obvious, its power is often taken for granted. The substance of what is being said can have a positive or negative impact depending on the manner in which it is said. In sex, style is just as important as substance. Telling your lover how hot you are for her in a voice like a telephone operator is usually going to have the opposite effect from what you intend.
"What would you like to do tonight?" the entire question in a soft voice.
Sometimes just switching from normal to soft volume in the middle of a nonsexual conversation can signal erotic interest to your partner.
Ask your lover (or a trusted friend who'll give you honest feedback), "Since we've both got some free time, what would you like to do tonight?" First, ask the entire question in your normal conversational level. Then try asking the first part in your conversational volume and drop your voice for "What would you like to do tonight?" Finally, try asking the entire question in a soft voice.
If you don't have a partner or friend handy to try this on, make a tape recording of yourself asking the question in the three different ways described above. Then listen to it. Which sounds the most sexually inviting to you?
Dorothy Parker once wrote a poem decrying the fact that a woman's delicate, mysterious and elaborate genitalia could be reduced to "a very short and unattractive word." Yet "such very short and unattractive" words when heard in the right context and at the appropriate moment can be deliciously arousing. What is it about these graphic words and phrases that can seem so crude and offensive in general conversation and yet so exciting and enjoyable when uttered in the heat of passion?
Perhaps you are already convinced of the benefits of talking dirty. But how do you broach the subject with your partner? What if you say something that offends her? Or what if you feel so awkward and embarrassed that the words come out all wrong? Or maybe what you really want is to get your partner to talk dirty to you.
If you have never engaged in graphic sex talk before, attempting to be extremely graphic may frighten or embarrass your lover, who may be unaccustomed to such declarations of passion. It is important that you first create an atmosphere of safety, acceptance and sexual arousal.
Exercise: Sensual Reading
To begin sharing your sexual self with your lover, try sensual reading. Select an arousing chapter from a piece of erotic literature and ask your partner to read it to you. In turn, have your lover select a passage for you to read.
As the reader, remember to allow your voice to convey your sense of excitement. You may find it helpful to have your lover stroke or touch you as you read. As the listener, kiss and caress your partner sensually until he is too excited to continue reading. If the story or your partner's excitement arouses you as well, you can fling the book aside and enjoy each other's bodies.
To expand this exercise, begin reading a new story. At some point stop reading and continue to tell the story as if both of you are the central characters. Caress and stroke one another and make up the rest of the story as you go along. Take notice of which descriptions excite your lover and shape the plot accordingly.
Talking Dirty During Sex
Telling sexy stories to each other is a terrific way to spend Saturday afternoon. Consider it a verbal aphrodisiac, foreplay or even a substitute for sex. Sharing erotic tales offers a lazy, but satisfying way to connect with your lover.
Talking dirty during sex is a totally different experience. A nice way to start might be to caress you lover's body until you sense he is becoming aroused. Then start to describe his arousal in ways that include validation, appreciation and explicit sex talk. "I love f*cking you," or "You make me so wet." Give your lover explicit feedback. "My cl*t feels so delicious when you do that with your tongueâ€¦" or "Mmmmâ€¦ You're sending little sparks of pleasure from my n*pple into my p*ssy."
Perhaps when trying explicit sex talk you discovered that certain graphic descriptions were more arousing to you and your partner than others. Or maybe you found certain lusty phrases easy to express, while others felt difficult or distasteful to you. This is not uncommon.
Even the most verbally liberated lovers admit that certain graphic sexual terms leave them neutral or actually turn them off. Rob confessed that whenever a woman referred to his penis as a "d*ck," it would dampen his ardor because "D*ck was his uncle's name. Grace shuddered whenever she heard terms like "jerking off" and "pecker."
You and your partner may want to review the sex words in your vocabulary and discover together which ones turn both of you on. Expect embarrassment, self-consciousness and laughter during this process.
Perhaps what you'd really like to do is be able to talk dirty, but with a touch of poetry and flair. In fact, maybe you've even felt a bit jealous and intimidated by the ease at which characters in erotic novels and films express their sexual passion.
You and your partner can each pretend to be two finalists competing against each other at The Dirty-Talk Olympics under the category of "Outlandish Sounds of Sex." Exaggerate and spoof the erotic phrases you've read in pornographic literature or the raunchy sex talk you've seen in X-rated videos or heard on 900 number phone lines, as well as the grunts, groans and other sounds associated with intense sexual excitement.
He: "Now lie down over here, so I can sink my lips into that furry cushion between your legs."
She: "Oh, you rogue, my skin is on fire! Can you feel my love bud pulsing against your tongue?"
He: "Oh, yes! I could drown myself in your fluttering moistness for hours."
She: "And I can feel your magnificent charger springing to life against my burning body!"
Many of us long for a soulful sexual connection that includes body, heart and spirit. We can verbalize these feelings, too. Some soulful anonymous phrases sent to me include:
"I want to envelop you from my heart to my p*ssy."
"I want to make love to the virginal parts of you that no man has ever touched before. I want you to lick my c*ck like it's the first time."
"Please keep looking in my eyes while we f*ck; I want to see the effect my loving you this way has on your heart and soul."
"I feel like we're two gods creating a whole new world together."
The period after orgasm is a time when genuine words of love and appreciation can be most easily absorbed and assimilated so that they enhance your feelings of self-assurance, relaxation and contentment. Whether you're feeling pleasantly satiated or completely blissed-out physically, emotionally and spiritually, just a few words of acknowledgment are all you need to thank your lover for bringing you such pleasure.
Here are some playful and tender phrases men and women have used to convey such feelings:
"Mmmm, that was wonderful!" "What have you done to me? I've melted all over the bed." "You are positively addictive!" "I'm so lucky to have you as a lover." "I feel like you've pleasured every molecule of my being!" "If I could bottle and sell the way you make me feel, I'd make a fortune!"
Erotic talk can be interwoven into the fabric of your love life whether you're about to make love, at the height of passion or basking in the contentment of the afterglow. Such shared expression allows you to discover and delight in some of the hidden and sometimes surprising dimensions of you and your partner's sexuality.
Adapted from The Fine Art Of Erotic Talk: How To Entice, Excite, And Enchant Your Lover With Words by Bonnie Gabriel, Bantam Books.