Each of us learned about sharing as a kid. Even if there's only a little ice cream left, you still have to give half of it to your little sister. And though we may value fairness in most aspects of our lives, when it comes to sex sometimes sharing equally isn't the most fun...

Many of us have sexual desires that stray from a strict 50/50 give and take. For example, when Tim and Anna have sex, Tim controls the action. His focus is mostly on his orgasm. He says, "We're 50/50 partners in the relationship, but in the bedroom I'm the dominant partner. I enjoy taking. She enjoys giving." Is Tim a domineering jerk who needs a refresher course about women's sexual needs?

Ellen's situation is entirely different. She's single and likes to be pursued by a man. However, during sex, she prefers to be in control. "I usually tell him that I want to be on top, or I'll just get on top. It's easier to get the sensations just right when I control all or most of the movements. I've never had a guy object to that. Sometimes I even make my partner lie perfectly still while I get off." Is Ellen a control freak? Is she using her guys like live dildos?

When Dana and Karen have a half hour for sex. Karen devotes 29 minutes to making love to Dana. Then Dana holds the vibrator for one minute to bring Karen to orgasm. Is Dana selfish? Is Karen being cheated? Is this only fair if the tables are turned the next time?

It's not unusual for people to want sex that doesn't fit the pattern of equal time and equal pleasures for each lover. Some of these desires aren't politically correct, but that doesn't prevent them from being very compelling. How do we resolve the conflict between "should" and "want?"

One obvious "solution" is to ignore what we feel and have sex the way we believe we ought to. That way, sex is fair because each partner contributes and receives evenly. But repressed feelings and sex defined by a political agenda seem like an unlikely formula for an exciting sex life.

Fortunately, sexual fairness is a matter of balancing your desires with those of your lover, not an equal rights amendment for the bedroom. As an adult, when there's only a little ice cream left, if you lover doesn't want it, you can have it all.

Accept Your Feelings

When it comes to sex, it's easy to view some preferences as superior to others. When you're sharing ice cream, whipped cream can be the best or the worst part depending on the individual tastes of both eaters.

However, a whipped cream lover is not inferior to a whipped cream avoider. In fact, a whipped cream lover may be the perfect partner for the whipped cream avoider.

Anna enjoys having Tim take the lead. "It's more natural for him to be in control. I can take initiative myself. In a special mood I might be a little aggressive, but not every day."

What Tim's girlfriend Anna likes best is somewhat of a female cliché. She might have grown up feeling that modern women have a duty to take charge, but she didn't. She and her lover have compatible preferences.

The fact that Tim and Anna both prefer to follow traditional roles in the bedroom doesn't mean that they carry this attitude into other parts of their lives. Tim believes in women's equality. Anna is bursting with intelligent opinions and not afraid to share them. They're simply enjoying sex the way they like it best. For this couple, sexual tastes are not political statements.

Sexual tastes, like any tastes, are matters of style and shouldn't be carelessly labeled good or bad. Ellen isn't a controlling bitch just because she likes to be on top. That's just what she likes. Maybe she really is a control freak. What difference does it make? Wanting to be on top is just a preference, not a moral failing. As long as she finds a man who enjoys sex with her on top, everyone will be happy.

Some people believe that their desires are sick. Even if your psychiatrist assures you that you like what you like because of some neurotic problem, you're still entitled to your preferences. We all do things every day that reflect our emotional problems.

If Ellen buys 12 extra flashlights to keep on hand for emergencies, it may indicate that she's compulsive or paranoid, but so what? She's not hurting anyone. However, if you are troubled by your sexual feelings, therapy, personal exploration or talking with supportive friends may help.

Most of the shameful sexual feelings people conceal from themselves and their lovers are quite ordinary feelings without any moral impact. Besides you and your lover, who else really cares if you like to be on top, in control or brought to orgasm in 49 seconds?

If you do have discomfort about your own sexual feelings, it may take some time to accept them. But don't take a lifetime to accept your feelings or you may forever postpone getting what you really want. You're entitled to feel your feelings. And, if you don't harm anyone and your lover is willing, you're entitled to act on those feelings.

Consider Your Lover's Feelings

Getting comfortable with your own desires is the first step. Understanding your partner's is the second. Some couples, like Tim and Anna, are well matched from the start. Others have to learn. Your lover may need time to consider and accept the role you wish to cast him or her in.

Most of us need to believe that we're good lovers. This is an important part of our identity and self-worth. Sex is about both receiving and giving. We want to give something great to our partner. When Ellen gets on top, that may make her man feel inadequate. Can he lay back and enjoy Ellen's lovemaking and still be considered a great lover?

Karen and Dana were together for several years before Dana became completely comfortable with Karen's lovemaking style. Karen always knew what she wanted. "The thing that turns me on more than anything is turning Dana on. That is more exciting than being the receiving partner. My orgasm is just the cherry on the sundae."

Fortunately, Karen and Dana's desires were fairly compatible: Dana enjoyed being on the receiving end most of the time. But, at first, she felt like a poor lover because it seemed she was getting so much and giving so little.

Dana worked through this problem by contemplating her own feelings and talking with Karen to clarify hers. Says Dana, "Ultimately, I decided that giving Karen what she wanted was more important than demonstrating fancy lovemaking techniques." Both wish they had discussed it and dealt with it sooner.

Unfortunately, communication won't solve all problems. If you tell your lover what you want, you might get turned down altogether.

Ellen once had a lover who wanted her to dress up and act out his fantasy story in order to turn him on. Unfortunately, the fantasy didn't work for Ellen.

"He wanted me to wear preppy outfits but pose like a porn star. I was like, 'Why can't we just have sex? Why do we have to do this?" He tried to make me feel like I was uncreative and dull in bed, which I'm not. But I did start to feel less attractive and less sexual because he wasn't turned on by me if I didn't do it his way."

Some would criticize Ellen's lover for trying to make her act a certain way for him. If this were the only way for him to become turned on, it could present a major limitation in his sex life. But it's still just a preference - one his partner didn't share, unfortunately. There was nothing wrong or unfair about his fantasy. It's easy to label someone else's kinkiness as "weird" but each of us has a different erotic vision. Any sexual act that doesn't turn you on is likely to feel peculiar, pointless or irritating.

Ellen and her boyfriend might have stayed together longer if both had been more accepting of the other's wishes. Perhaps they could have negotiated a compromise. She was entitled to say no and not feel pressured. Just because he wanted it, she wasn't required to deliver it.

A lot of resentment in relationships is caused by simple differences in each person's wants. When you think about it that way, getting angry seems pointless. Since when has anger ever made someone change what they want?

Ellen and her boyfriend's situation is the sexual equivalent of a common relationship dilemma; one spouse wants children and the other doesn't. If the difference isn't reconcilable, it may lead to a breakup. However, some couples value their emotional connection and other aspects of their relationship much more highly than sex, so they decide to live with some sexual incompatibilities.

Compromise may be possible. If one lover practically orgasms while eating whipped cream and another sees it as useless fat, compromise may help. The whipped cream lover may be satisfied with extra nuts. Perhaps the whipped cream can be put on only one half of the sundae. Accord may be easily reached, if both of you are talking.

Be very cautious about unspoken compromises. If she just assumes he must have whipped cream and goes along with it, she may be sacrificing her own desires. And after years of succumbing to his needs she'll have no one to blame but herself for her resentment. Sex is about enjoying a mutual experience. Don't kid yourself that you're doing your lover a favor to give in if your needs aren't being met.

What If You're Single?

If you're single, you have an opportunity to communicate your sexual needs from the start and to pre-assess the compatibility of a prospective lover.

There are a few couples who find each as if by magic. When they meet they subtly communicate their sexual wishes and discover an ideal meshing of needs and desires. It's implicit in their body language, eye contact, communication modes or that first kiss. As they tumble into bed, everything is right out of their fantasies and sex is so perfect it could have been a major motion picture.

For the rest of us, negotiation can help us find a simpatico lover. Negotiation is a straightforward way to get what you want - in bed or out. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem sexy and many of us feel awkward talking about sex before we do it. We have no role models either. In the movies, do Drew Barrymore or Johnny Depp ever negotiate before sex?

If you do decide to negotiate, explain what you want as clearly as you can. Remember that this is not a business deal. In matters of the heart and hormones, win/win is the only strategy. Listen to your soon-to-be lover and take into account his or her needs. Be prepared to compromise.

Realistically, many new lovers aren't going to negotiate much more than safer sex and contraception. One's first sexual encounter is like a taste test. Both people will probably give cues about what they want and don't want. He begins with manual stimulation.

She lies on her back and waits for him to do something. She hands him the vibrator after intercourse. He lies on top of her in the 69 position. These cues may or may not work. And if they don't, after sex has begun you'll find it difficult to start a conversation about what is and isn't working.

Like any taste test, if you feel unsatisfied afterwards you're unlikely to repeat the experience. Many single people just keep trying lovers until they find one who's compatible. This may feel easier than telling your lover what you want. Then again, if it is difficult for you to find prospective lovers or you don't enjoy a lot of one-night stands, it may not be easier for you.

You may be better off developing a simple statement about your preference. If you think about this in advance, you can probably mention it when sex is beginning without ruining the moment. "I like it best when I'm on top... "I want to make love to you now. Afterwards, I'd like you to hold me while I use the vibrator." There's no guarantee that a brief summary of your desires will get you what you want, but it's more likely to succeed than expecting your new lover to read your mind.

Conclusion

Your desires may change. Anna may want to get bossy. Ellen might discover the joys of letting go. Being open to change can lead to many years of creative exploration, which can keep sex fresh and fun even with the same old partner.

Whatever you want in bed, acceptance of your sexual desires is essential to your sexual wellbeing. Letting go of self-criticism and freeing your feelings can bring your sex life to a new, more passionate place. Communicate and cooperate with your lover to create mutually satisfying sexual experiences.