As always after the Christmas binge we're bombarded with adverts from slimming companies featuring some poor muppet as the before (Miss Piggy) and after (Miss Stick-Insect).

They cleverly inform you of fat you never realized you had. Take 'Pec Fat' for instance. I thought it was an extension of my boobs, but no, apparently it's undesirable excess fat.

How strange that for donkey's years I never noticed my pec fat but now am made very aware of it by these ads. Are people looking at me thinking 'Yuck look at the pec fat on her. Show some pride love, do something about it.' Another thing to worry about!

I've battled with fat since childhood. Until I hit puberty I looked like a human balloon - arms and legs like sticks and a belly like an oversized beach ball. The only time I had a flat tummy was when I didn't eat for three years - but this got a tad boring and anti-social.

We're so obsessed with the perfect body these days we forget the images we see in magazines and adverts have, more often than not, been airbrushed, elongated and are completely poreless. We aspire to look like something that doesn't really exist.

The human body is becoming a man-made rather than god-made creation. Plastic boobs that look like saucers, botox injections leaving people expressionless and frankly weird looking, collagen lips that look like something out of a sleazy porn movie.

Apparently the latest craze is to have a couple of ribs removed to achieve a lovely nipped in waist - where's it going to end?

Is it just me who thinks it's getting surreal? And why's it women having all the cosmetic enhancers and not men? Because their brain tells them it's painful, possibly dangerous, expensive (you could spend the money on beer) and therefore stupid.

I'm through with trying to look like something I'm not. I find my squidgy pec fat cuddly, my boobs feel real, and guys tell me my round ass feels nice to squeeze (but don't like the feel of the slap around the face that follows). Sure cellulite is a bit odd but hey top models have it so it can't be so bad!

While I'm feeling fine with my body others aren't. Let me give you an example. Since I'm so skint these days I've had to give up having relaxing reflexology treatments and instead drop into ISIM on a regular basis to 'test out' their foot massager machine.

Sure there's no calming music, just a salesman telling me how it will improve my life (if he was selling shotguns instead I'd believe him), it's not the same knowing the machine has massaged thousands of pairs of unwashed feet. But it's better than nothing.

Anyway, the last time I went the salesman says 'Sorry madam, you can't use this machine when you're pregnant.' My jaw hit the ground. Either he's insulted me or I've got a key role in the Immaculate Conception part two.

Reeling from shock I told him I wasn't pregnant to which he respond it 'I thought you looked pregnant.' I didn't find the foot massager particularly relaxing that day. Unfortunately this proved not to be a one off occurrence. My hairdresser next time I saw him said 'Hey you look fat! What happened? You should loose a few KG'.

I told him it's not good for business to tell customers they're looking fat and he laughed responding 'I like to be honest.' Honestly, I've since changed hairdressers. The irony here is that if I took a trip to the US I'd be considered slim but here I'm an elephant, a pregnant one at that. I feel depressed, pass me the chocolates...