You too can learn why guys are walking woodies and use their secrets!

But be warned: Horniness may lead to sex! Be prepared and always follow safe sex guidelines! Don't be fooled! Horniness is not just hormonal!

1. Masturbate. Skip one expendable girlie activity per day (good girlie activities to skip: removing unwanted hair, popping zits then covering them with make-up, cleaning boyfriend's kitchen) and instead, use that time to masturbate. Get a vibrator if you feel a little stiff and get super-duper orgasms. Buy books on technique like The Good Vibrations Guide to Good Sex. You'll become more of a sexual dynamo!

2. Touch Yourself All The Time. Every time you go to the bathroom, touch your clitoris. Why not? Boys touch their penises. Tell me that doesn't change their attitude just a little. And while you're at it, keep some sexy reading material by the porcelain throne - you may end up touching yourself more than once!

3. Objectify Hunks! Use your delicious imagination to replace all advertising images made to titillate men with images made to titillate you. Picture a spread-eagled Guess Jeans boy spilling his popcorn all over a movie theater floor. Instead of Kate Moss, place Ewan MacGregor or Will Smith sprawled nude, face down on the sofa. Imagine the St. Pauli Guy or the Maidenform Man. It doesn't take much to visualize a world full of tempting torsos and inviting smiles!

4. Ogle Men! Check out dudes' bods. Assertively seek out sexy butts, chests, legs, packages, or whatever body part turns you on. When you find something appealing, stare at it. Memorize its shape and bulge in detail. Save these images in your brain in a "smile file" and whenever you feel like it, refer to this file and relive these golden observances. Create new and different fantasy lovers out of parts you have on file and drive yourself wild!

5. Drink Booze and Smoke Cigarettes.

6. Wear Comfortable Clothes. How can you be "in the mood" when you're hobbling down the street in heels with your underwear riding up your butt? (Exception: bondage clothes. )

7. Be Safe! Eliminate the fear of pregnancy and STDs and keep condoms with you at all times (in your wallet or a special sewn-in-yourself pocket bra). Remember: "Desire turns to doubt when you're caught without! "

8. Gab With The Gals. Get together with your girlfriends and only talk about sex, in graphic detail. Work yourselves up and then go out boy hunting. Feel empowered and in control, then move in on your victim and wink at your girlfriends cheering you on!

9. Have Orgasms. Before him, with him, next to him, wherever. You deserve it. Girls who say yes to orgasms are girls who get off!

10. Watch Porn! Sure, some of it is gross and sexist, but some of it makes you think about sex and that makes you horny. If you can't handle the smirking video store boy, tapes can be ordered from porn magazines or over the phone or through the web (www. goodvibes.com). Lady J's tip: Gay porn has the hottest guys!

- Lady J is a syndicated sex columnist. Her advice column appears in several Central Asian dailies. She will freak you in a box, with a fox, even if you have chicken pox.